December 8, 2014

How to bounce back from failure

Remember when you were a kid, trying to learn how to tie your shoelaces? It took so many attempts to get something that your parents made look so simple right, but you were determined to master this skill- which you use quite often in every day life- and eventually, you did.

What about being a bit older, tying to learn a method for maths or science to help you to pass an exam that would determine your future? You just couldn’t get it to stay in your brain, it didn’t interest you and it didn’t make sense. But you knew which grade you needed to achieve, and this goal motivated you to try and try again until, at last, you could remember it.

Now, as an adult, it’s often harder to bounce back from failure. If we get rejected from a job, a university, a relationship, we don’t push ourselves to try harder but instead choose to flop on the sofa, picking ourselves apart until we feel pretty miserable about the world- and ourselves. What inside us has changed from when we were a youngster, determined to tie a shoelace? Where has our determination, our motivation, our passion and drive gone?

Quite often, it is because the rejections we face as adults are a lot larger than failing to tie a shoelace. The opportunities we fail at as adults can sometimes have an impact on our whole future- sometimes, the future we always dreamed of. For some reason, we believe we have one chance at everything we do. One chance to get it right, to get it perfect. As humans, unsurprisingly, we are so wrong. We can’t be perfect at everything we do-every time we do it. Sometimes, we have to make a mistake. Sometimes, we have to be unsuccessful.

Even celebrities have bad days where they have to bounce back from failed opportunities. The Queen of Pop, Beyonce? Yes, even Bey has had her fair share of failures. When she was part of the girl group ‘Destiny’s Child’ (at this stage in their career, ‘Girls Tyme’), the girls participated in a singing talent show on American TV- and lost. That’s right, Beyonce lost a singing contest. You only have to look at her and her achievements today to see that she didn’t let this failure bring her down and forget her dreams entirely. It only pushed her harder to get to where she wanted to be. She had a taste of her dream & failure only made her want it more.

You only have to watch popular TV show ‘The X Factor’ to see proof of how people bounce back from failure all the time. Think of popular, successful acts such as Ella Henderson, JLS, Olly Murs… none of whom won the competition but all who were runners up. Yet whilst you know those names, could you name who they lost to? Probably not. Despite failing to win, these artists realised what they had to do to be as good as the people who beat them. Failing to win helped them to create the successful lives that they lead today.

All of these examples only demonstrate the same thing- failure is nothing to be ashamed of and no reason to be down on yourself. Failure provides you with an opportunity. An opportunity to look at yourself and say “I did this with these skills, but didn’t quite get there. What can I improve to make sure that the next time, I can better myself?”. Failure isn’t about negativity. It isn’t about you not being good enough. It’s about providing you with a second chance and a third, fourth& fifth chance. Multiple chances, all to improve your skills& your talents, in order for you to keep on pushing to get to where you want to be. Failure is a blessing in disguise, helping you to constantly improve and to be the best you can be. If we constantly succeeded in everything we did first time round, we would all lead very average lives, with no idea how we could be better.

So snap out of it! Did you fail today, yesterday, last month? Good. Stop slouching around in a lethargic state as though there is nothing else you can do in this world that will be of any good. Stand tall, clean yourself up and take a long, hard look in the mirror.

List 5 positive things about yourself. Say them out loud, clearly & firmly. Repeat them until they have sunk into your mind. If you need to remember them, write them down- somewhere you can always see them- a note on the front of the fridge or in lipstick on your mirror.

Then find 5 things you think are ‘okay’ about yourselves, the things you feel might have let you down on that date or in that interview. Do you have negative body language, use your phone too much or fiddle when people talk to you? Make a note of these attributes and how you can improve them.

Then thank yourself. Thank yourself for failing, because through failing you have seen what is preventing you from reaching your goals and how you can improve on it. However, remember not to be so hard on yourself- you are only human, and we all have down days. Always remind yourself of those 5 positive things that you picked out about yourself- they will stick with you forever.

Most importantly of all though- don’t forget that each failed opportunity is really just an untied shoe from your childhood. Just keep on lacing it up.

Having a mentor could help you work on your weaknesses and develop your strengths. Find out how to get a mentor here: https://www.girlstalklondon.com/5-tips-to-finding-a-mentor/

Written by Flo Matthews

Follow Flo on twitter @flomatthews_