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April 20, 2016
Girls Talk: Loneliness in London
Last week on the brand new series of Girls Talk, our hosts discussed the new government ISA for young people which is supposed to help them with a deposit for a mortgage, and Katy Ashford explained just how expensive it is to live in the capital. But money is just one problem – experiencing loneliness in a city that’s all about brunches, nights out and groups of friends is also incredibly difficult.
I moved to London two years ago and since then I’ve struggled on and off with loneliness – despite living with my boyfriend – and it’s because, like most people who move to the city, we leave behind our friendship networks. All of a sudden the only people we know are our colleagues and maybe a friend or two who was already living here.
That alone would be hard enough, but on top of knowing only a mere handful of London’s 8.6 million residents, every place, magazine and advert tells you that you should have more friends, a diary full of dinner dates and theatre trips and hardly any time to go back to where you once called ‘home’. Oh and add to that little money and a full-time job and well, it can make for a lonely existence.
Lonely but not alone
Ironically, I know several people who feel lonely living in London. As I said to a friend the other day, no-one moves to London to make friends. There isn’t a quick fix either; creating friendships takes time. What I struggled with was only really having my other half’s network. His friends were, in turn, mine.
So regardless of how lovely they were, I didn’t see them alone. I didn’t gossip with them over a cocktail on a Friday night. We didn’t particularly have things in common, apart from knowing the same person. And my colleagues, despite being fantastic, were still my colleagues and there’s only so much you can talk to them about.
Two years in and I do have a friendship network of my own. It isn’t huge and I don’t brunch with them at the latest bar every Saturday as the magazines would have you believe, but they are great people who I genuinely gel with, who I can speak freely with and have fun with.
It gets better
They’ve also made me realise three things about being lonely in London:
1) You really aren’t alone. It’s likely that most people who moved here at some point were, if not still are, lonely. Take strength from that.
2) Put in the effort. You can’t rush friendships, but you can make the effort. Suggest something to do, or just say yes when you’re invited out. Take the first step.
3) Don’t believe everything you read. Advertisers and publications will sell you the story of the fancy London lifestyle and make you feel like you’re the only one not living it. It’s all lies. They are trying to make you feel small so you’ll spend money on whatever it is they’re selling to make you feel better – it won’t. Ignoring them will.
Yes, being lonely does suck, but you will come out the other side. In the meantime, if loneliness is really getting you down and you need some extra support, check out Mind.
Stephanie Bolton
@StephanieBolton
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